Understanding ADHD, self-esteem and the importance of self-compassion

Have you ever found yourself wondering why everyday tasks seem to come so easily to other people, while you struggle to get started? Have you forgotten something important, lost track of time, become overwhelmed by a seemingly simple task, or found yourself feeling frustrated because you just cannot seem to get everything done?

Perhaps you have been told that you are disorganised, too emotional, unreliable, easily distracted or not trying hard enough. Or perhaps, over time, you have begun to tell yourself these things.

For many people living with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), these experiences can become part of a much bigger story — one shaped by misunderstanding, self-doubt and the feeling of somehow falling short of other people’s expectations.

This ADHD Awareness Month, I want to shine a light on the experiences that can sometimes go unseen. Because ADHD is about more than attention and concentration, and the person behind the diagnosis deserves to be understood, accepted and treated with compassion.

You are not lazy. You are not a failure. And you are so much more than your ADHD.

Understanding ADHD beyond attention and concentration

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition that can affect how a person regulates attention, manages impulses and activity levels, organises tasks and manages everyday responsibilities. Its effects vary considerably from person to person.

For some people, ADHD may be associated with restlessness, impulsivity or difficulty concentrating. For others, the challenges may be less visible, particularly when they have developed ways of masking their difficulties or working incredibly hard to meet the expectations placed upon them.

ADHD can affect many areas of everyday life, including:

• Organisation and planning: Finding it difficult to prioritise tasks, manage responsibilities or keep track of appointments.

• Time management: Underestimating how long something will take, losing track of time or struggling to move from one activity to another.

• Getting started: Knowing what needs to be done but feeling unable to begin, even when the task is important.

• Emotional regulation: Experiencing emotions intensely or finding it difficult to settle after feeling frustrated, disappointed or overwhelmed.

• Relationships: Forgetfulness, misunderstandings, impulsive reactions or difficulties communicating needs can sometimes create tension.

• Self-esteem and confidence: Repeated experiences of criticism, disappointment or feeling different can gradually affect how someone sees themselves.

Not everyone with ADHD experiences all these difficulties, and many of these experiences can occur for other reasons, too. ADHD is individual, and understanding a person’s experience means looking beyond assumptions or stereotypes.

It is also important to recognise that ADHD does not define someone’s intelligence, potential, character or capacity to build meaningful relationships and live a fulfilling life.

When everyday struggles become a story about who you are

One of the most difficult aspects of living with ADHD can be the way repeated struggles influence your relationship with yourself.

Imagine growing up hearing that you are careless because you have forgotten something, lazy because you have put off a task, or disruptive because you struggle to sit still. Imagine trying desperately to keep up with schoolwork, responsibilities or the demands of family life, while those around you see only what you have not managed to do.

Over time, these messages can become internalised.

You might begin to believe that you are not capable enough, that you are letting people down, or that you should be able to manage everything if only you tried harder.

Perhaps you become your own harshest critic, constantly replaying mistakes and comparing yourself with people who seem to manage life effortlessly.

This can create a painful cycle. You struggle with a task, criticise yourself for struggling, become anxious or overwhelmed, and then find it even harder to get started. When the task remains unfinished, the self-criticism grows.

What began as a difficulty with organisation, concentration or task initiation can gradually become a much deeper belief that something is wrong with you.

But struggling with a task is not the same as being a failure.

There is a difference between finding something difficult and believing that difficulty makes you less worthy.

You deserve to recognise that difference.

ADHD, anxiety and the pressure to hold everything together

For some people with ADHD, the effort involved in managing everyday life can be exhausting.

You might spend considerable energy trying to remember appointments, meet deadlines, keep your home organised, respond to messages and fulfil your responsibilities at work or within your family.

Perhaps you use lists, reminders and carefully planned routines to help you stay on top of things. These strategies can be useful, but maintaining them may also require significant effort.

You might worry constantly about forgetting something important. You may feel anxious about being late, making mistakes or disappointing others. Perhaps you overprepare because you are afraid of getting something wrong, or you find it difficult to relax because there is always something else you feel you should be doing.

From the outside, you may appear capable and organised. People might see someone who manages a career, raises a family and fulfils their responsibilities.

What they may not see is the exhaustion behind it.

Sometimes, the words “I’m fine” conceal a person who is working incredibly hard to keep everything together.

For some adults, particularly those whose ADHD has gone unrecognised for years, understanding their experiences can bring a mixture of relief, sadness and uncertainty. There may be relief in finally having a possible explanation for longstanding difficulties, alongside sadness about the years spent feeling misunderstood or believing they were not good enough.

These feelings deserve space and understanding.

If you recognise yourself in these experiences, you do not have to dismiss your struggles simply because you appear to be coping. Your experience matters, even when other people cannot see how much effort things take.

The impact of ADHD on self-esteem and relationships

Our sense of self develops partly through our experiences and the messages we receive from others.

When someone repeatedly encounters criticism, misunderstanding or unrealistic expectations, it can become difficult to maintain a compassionate view of themselves.

For a person with ADHD, this might mean feeling ashamed of forgetting something, becoming distressed after an impulsive reaction, or assuming that a relationship problem is entirely their fault.

You may find yourself apologising frequently, trying to prove your worth, or going to great lengths to avoid disappointing anyone. Perhaps you have become a perfectionist because you fear that one mistake will confirm what you have long suspected about yourself.

In relationships, differences in communication, attention, organisation or emotional responses can sometimes lead to frustration on both sides. Without understanding and open communication, these difficulties may be interpreted as a lack of interest, care or commitment.

It is important to recognise that ADHD does not excuse hurtful behaviour, but understanding how it may influence someone’s experiences can help create opportunities for more constructive conversations and practical support.

It can also help you separate your identity from the difficulties you experience.

You can take responsibility for your actions without condemning yourself as a person. You can acknowledge that something needs to change without deciding that you are fundamentally flawed.

Self-understanding does not remove responsibility. It gives you a kinder and more constructive place from which to begin.

Could ADHD have gone unrecognised for years?

Some adults reach later life having spent years wondering why they experience the world differently from those around them.

They may have developed coping strategies that helped them manage school, work and family responsibilities, even when doing so required considerable effort. Others may have struggled more visibly but never received an explanation that helped them make sense of their experiences.

ADHD can present differently in different people. Some individuals, including some women and girls, may be less readily recognised because their difficulties are less outwardly disruptive or because they have learned to mask their struggles. However, no two experiences are identical, and ADHD cannot be identified from a list of relatable behaviours alone.

For some people, exploring the possibility of ADHD later in life can prompt a period of reflection.

They may revisit childhood experiences, relationships, education or career choices through a different lens. They might feel sadness about opportunities they believe they missed, frustration about years of self-criticism, or uncertainty about what comes next.

Others may feel a sense of validation: perhaps there is a reason certain things have always felt harder than they seem to for other people.

If you are questioning whether you might have ADHD, you do not need to reach a conclusion on your own. A qualified healthcare professional can discuss your experiences and explain the options for assessment and support.

Whatever the outcome, your difficulties and feelings are worthy of attention. You do not need a diagnosis to deserve compassion.

Recognising the strengths that can accompany ADHD

ADHD is often discussed in terms of its challenges, and it is important not to minimise the difficulties people experience. At the same time, a person’s story should never be reduced to a list of struggles.

Some people with ADHD describe strengths such as creativity, curiosity, enthusiasm, spontaneity, problem-solving, energy or the ability to become deeply absorbed in subjects that interest them. Others value the different perspectives they bring to conversations, relationships and their work.

These strengths are not universal, and ADHD does not automatically make someone more creative, empathetic or energetic. Every person has their own combination of qualities, interests, challenges and abilities.

The important thing is that you are allowed to recognise what you bring to the world without feeling that you must compensate for your difficulties by being exceptional in other ways.

You do not have to turn every challenge into a strength.

You do not have to be productive, energetic or successful to prove your worth.

You are allowed to be a whole person — with abilities, limitations, hopes, frustrations and needs — without judging yourself for being human.

Learning to replace self-criticism with self-compassion

If you have spent years being hard on yourself, treating yourself with kindness may feel unfamiliar.

You might even believe that self-criticism is necessary to keep you motivated. Perhaps you worry that if you stop pushing yourself, everything will fall apart.

But there is a difference between encouraging yourself and punishing yourself.

Self-compassion is not about pretending that difficulties do not exist or avoiding responsibility. It is about recognising that you can experience challenges without adding shame and harsh judgement to the experience.

It can begin with small changes in the way you speak to yourself.

Instead of saying, “I’m so lazy; why can’t I just get on with it?”, you might ask, “What is making this task difficult for me right now?”

Instead of thinking, “I’ve forgotten again. I never get anything right,” you could acknowledge, “I’ve forgotten something important, and I’m frustrated. What might help me remember next time?”

Instead of comparing yourself with someone who appears to manage everything effortlessly, you might remind yourself that you cannot know how another person experiences their life, and that your needs do not have to match theirs.

You might also begin to notice when you are expecting too much of yourself, trying to meet impossible standards or measuring your worth by how much you accomplish.

These changes may take time, particularly if self-criticism has become an automatic response. You do not have to get them right every day.

The aim is not to replace one set of expectations with another. It is to begin creating a little more room for understanding, acceptance and choice.

How can counselling help adults living with ADHD?

Counselling does not diagnose ADHD, and it is not a substitute for an appropriate assessment or medical care when these are needed. However, counselling may offer a valuable space to explore the emotional experiences that can accompany ADHD.

At Dragonfly Counselling, I offer a warm, compassionate and non-judgemental space where you can talk openly about what life feels like for you.

You do not have to organise your thoughts perfectly before a session. You do not need to know exactly where to begin, and you do not have to explain yourself in a particular way.

We can explore whatever feels important to you, at your pace.

Counselling may provide an opportunity to:

• Explore self-esteem and self-worth: Understand how past experiences and criticism may have influenced the way you see yourself.

• Make sense of difficult emotions: Talk about feelings of frustration, shame, sadness, anxiety or overwhelm without judging yourself for having them.

• Recognise patterns of self-criticism: Notice the expectations you place on yourself and consider whether they are helping or hurting you.

• Explore relationships and boundaries: Reflect on your needs, your communication and the impact of trying to meet other people’s expectations.

• Develop greater self-understanding: Consider what you find difficult, what matters to you and what helps you feel more supported.

• Build a kinder relationship with yourself: Begin to recognise your worth beyond your productivity, achievements or ability to meet every demand placed upon you.

My approach is person-centred. This means I see you as the expert on your own experience. Rather than telling you what to do or offering ready-made solutions, I aim to provide the conditions in which you can explore your feelings, discover what is meaningful to you and develop your own understanding.

There is no pressure to reach a particular conclusion or make changes before you feel ready.

Sometimes, having the opportunity to speak honestly and feel genuinely heard can be a meaningful starting point.

If practical strategies, ADHD-specific coaching or specialist support would be helpful, these may also be worth exploring alongside counselling.

You do not have to have everything figured out

Perhaps you have spent years trying to fit into expectations that never quite seemed to make sense for you.

Perhaps you are tired of feeling that you should be doing more, achieving more or coping better.

Or perhaps you are only just beginning to understand why certain aspects of life have felt so difficult.

Whatever brings you here, I want you to know that you do not have to hide the parts of yourself that feel messy, complicated or hard to explain.

You do not need to have the right words.

You do not need to arrive with a clear plan.

And you do not need to prove that your struggles are serious enough to deserve support.

You can simply come as you are.

Your worth is not measured by how organised you are, how much you accomplish, how well you manage your emotions or how successfully you meet other people’s expectations.

You are more than your ADHD. You are a person deserving of understanding, respect and compassion.

ADHD support in York and online

If you are an adult living with ADHD and find that it is affecting your self-esteem, emotional wellbeing, relationships or confidence, counselling may help you explore these experiences in a supportive environment.

I am Stephanie Wood, a person-centred counsellor at Dragonfly Counselling in York. I offer a calm, confidential and non-judgemental space where you can explore what is happening in your life and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.

You are welcome to get in touch for an initial conversation to find out more about counselling and whether it feels right for you.

Contact Dragonfly Counselling

Telephone: 07956 019328

Email: steph@dragonflycounselling.uk

Website: www.dragonflycounselling.uk⁠

You do not have to navigate everything alone.

Sometimes, feeling heard and understood can be the beginning of seeing yourself with a little more kindness. 💛

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